Retro Review: WCW Monday Nitro 10/25/99

Justin C goes beyond the line of duty by… enduring a Vince Russo edition of Monday Nitro. We salute his bravery.

Welcome to Vince Russo’s WCW!

Folks, we are in for quite a ride on this show, I am warning you now. Vince Russo took over as lead writer for WCW in the beginning of this month. And the traditional WCW that you knew and grew up with is out the window. Get ready for a treat.

This is the night after Halloween Havoc, Russo’s first PPV in charge. So yeah, far too much happened and very little of it made much of an impact on the viewer. Heel Sting (yeah) did lose the World title in an impromptu main event to Goldberg, kinda. Sort of. I think?

The show starts with Sting, no face paint and sun glasses, coming to the ring. As I explained above, Sting kind of sort of lost the WCW title last night. He wants JJ Dillon to come out to explain what I explained above. Vince Russo himself probably couldn’t explain it if he tried and he wrote it!

Sting says he was trying to bail WCW out of a bad situation by fighting Goldberg. But he never said anything about the title being up for grabs. Dillon agrees and says since the match wasn’t sanctioned, Goldberg is not WCW Champion. But neither is Sting.

You see, The Powers To Be have stripped Sting of the title because of his actions against the referee after the match and are going to have a 32 man tournament to crown a new Champion. Sting is pissed, so he attacks Dillon and hits the Stinger Splash followed by the Scorpion Death Lock. Goldberg makes the save as security comes in to stop the brawl.

My head hurts and I’m not even 10 minutes into the show.

So after all of that, Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan THEN explain everything that happened last night. You would think you could do all of that BEFORE the opening segment.

We cut to the back and The Outsiders are arriving with a cooler. The Powers To Be are making them wrestle tonight. Hall stumbles a little grabbing the cooler so he’s at least an eight on the drunk scale.

1st Round Tournament Match: Bam Bam Bigelow vs Norman Smiley

Smiley gives a generic interview talking about how Bigelow is going to feel the big wiggle. Smiley was in a hardcore match last week but is ready to show his technical, scientific ability in the ring tonight. Bam Bam though wants to challenge him to a hardcore match.

Bam Bam throws a bunch of weapons into the ring as Smiley hides behind Nick Patrick. But since Patrick is the worst referee ever, he allows the hardcore rules to go on as the match starts. Bam Bam hits Smiley with a garbage can then puts it on Smiley. Smiley then falls into Bam Bam with it on and then down onto Bam Bam. Smiley does the big wiggle and then pins Bam Bam for the win.

Yeah folks, this is what we are in store for tonight.

Mike Tenay interviews The Outsiders. He says, in an “obvious ratings ploy”, the Powers to Be want the Outsiders to wrestle tonight. But The Outsiders say they can’t comment until the top of the hour. I need a beer.

We see last week that the Filthy Animals mugged Ric Flair. Because they are Filthy Animals. Get it? Flair got some revenge last night at Halloween Havoc but then after Flair’s match the Filthy Animals beat him up (in a manner reminiscent of the movie Casino, because Russo pretty much conceived most of his ideas while at Blockbuster Video – Ed) and no one has any idea where Flair is. Shouldn’t the cops be involved at this point?

The Filthy Animals come to the ring. Mmmm WCW Torrie Wilson. This is when she couldn’t wear heels because she would tower over Billy Kidman. Eddie Guerrero sheds some light on what happened to Ric Flair. They show the video of them leaving Ric Flair in the Las Vegas dessert. So yeah, shouldn’t the cops definitely get involved right now?

The Filthy Animals then turn their attention to Harlem Heat. Rey Mysterio says they are going to hump them like the dogs that they are. Would that be considered a DQ in an official match?

Out come The Revolution to attack the Filthy Animals. Torrie Wilson slowly backs away up the ramp, only to be grabbed by Asya with Shane Douglas. For those that don’t know, Asya was WCW’s answer to Chyna.

Curt Hennig is interviewed. The Powers to Be (ok from here on out I’m typing TPTB to save time) are trying to get rid of him and said if he gets pinned he is gone from WCW. Surely this will lead to a meaningful conclusion, right?

The Outsiders are wondering how long the delay is for the censors.

Curt Hennig vs Lash Leroux

Cruiserweight champion Disco Inferno comes to the ring a minute into the match. He looks like a complete idiot. And that is saying a lot since Disco always looks dumb.

In the ring Leroux hits some of the worst dropkicks I have ever seen. Leroux looks like he is going to hit his finisher by Hennig elbows the ref and causes a DQ. So since he didn’t get pinned he still has a job. So logically, if you were Hennig, wouldn’t you just leave the ring right after the bell sounds and lose by countout? Disco tries to save Leroux but he eats a chair shot.

The Nitro Girls are interviewed in the ring. They are doing a search for the next Nitro Girl. It’s Sarah vs Daniel. These girls are much better dancers than me. I’m the guy at the wedding who holds a beer in one hand so people just think I’m drunk and not a terrible dancer.

Jeff Jarrett decides to come to the ring. He tells them to get out of the ring or he will Stroke every one of them. Does he mean give them a stroke from having to listen to one of his awful promos?

Jarrett says he will be the next champion and he is the ‘Chosen One’. I guess Elizabeth got taken out by a guitar last week but Jarrett says it wasn’t him, and Luger should apologise to him for accusing him. Can Luger just do it so Jarrett can leave the ring? Jarrett leaves anyways.

We get still images of the Goldberg/Sid match from Halloween Havoc. I loved that match. I like Sid and this whole fake streak storyline he did was hilarious. Sid bled like a stuck pig the whole match. Don’t watch Halloween Havoc 99, but watch this match.

1st Round Tournament Match: Saturn vs Eddie Guerrero

All the Filthy Animals come out. I guess they have suspended their search for Torrie. Eddie is channeling his Inner DDP and has his ribs taped. So of course Saturn is smart about this and goes right at DDP’s ribs once Guerrero takes off the tape.

So Saturn’s entrance has smoke coming out of the post. There is still smoke coming out of the post three minutes into the match. A sign that the Russo Era is going up in smoke. Saturn drops Guerrero onto the railing in a see of signs on the outside.

Out comes David Flair with a crowbar. He attacks Eddie and allows Saturn to apply the Rings of Saturn for the win. Saturn then runs through the crowd to escape the Filthy Animals.

Kevin Nash says if they make him wrestle he will strip. I doubt it, considering that probably means he’d have to show off his chicken legs.

We cut to the back showing the Revolution with Torrie in what looks like the janitor part of the arena. Glad the camera guy didn’t tell anyone where they are. Dean Malenko leaves to go take a leak, but is attacked by former Revolution member Chris Benoit. Benoit locks the rest of the Revolution in the room and attacks Malenko.

Out come the Outsiders. Kevin Nash is in his super cool 90s Fubu jersey. Hall says these new bosses from up north can’t have a show without them. But the Outsiders don’t miss a party, especially in Nash’s hometown of Phoenix. I thought Nash grew up on the mean streets of Detroit?

Nash says the horn yackers in the back can’t tell them what to do. That’s a new insult. Suddenly Goldberg appears in the crowd. The Outsiders attacked him last night at Halloween Havoc. Goldberg says they are both next, which the Outsiders shrug off as a joke.

All of the sudden, Macho Man Randy Savage and Gorgeous George make their way to the ring. This apparently is not on Tony Schiavone’s format. Savage has a sparkling red jacket and pants on. It is nuts even for Savage.

Savage takes the mic and says Vince Russo, which I think might be the first reference to his name. He says you can’t punk him out like Russo did to Hogan and Savage. But Savage is here to pass the torch to the wrestler who will go on to be better than he was. Savage says they need him, he doesn’t need you.

The Filthy Animals find where Torrie was, but she is not there anymore.

Dean Malenko is pissed after getting his butt kicked by Chris Benoit. He wants to fight him tonight despite Shane Douglas saying otherwise.

1st Round Tournament Match: Madusa vs Meng

Madusa looks comically bad in 1999. How she didn’t topple over with those breast implants is astounding. Madusa wants to fight and not be a pinup girl but looks like that.

Anyways, Madusa’s opponent was a mystery to her. Out comes Meng. We all know Meng is pushed as a legit bad ass. Madusa tries some slaps, then an eye poke, a crossbody off the top, a dropkick, some more kicks and punches, an enziguri (the crowd is booing at this point), then she jumps on her back as Meng throws her off. Meng finally ends it with the Tongan Death Grip. Remember this was a match in the WCW title tournament.

Evan Karagis comes out to check out on Madusa.

Dean Malenko challenges Chris Benoit to a last man standing in the ring match. Hopefully Dean remembers the rules of this match.

Curt Hennig talks with Brad Armstrong backstage. TPTB told Armstrong to get a personality, like his brother (Road Dogg). That’s right, let the viewers know that the better member of the family wrestles for the rivals.

Bret Hart is told he shouldn’t wrestle tonight but he says he has to.

1st Round Tournament Match: The Total Package vs Rick Steiner

Lex Luger is going by The Total Package. He gets a grand entrance and pose down now. Steroids let you do that. Jeff Jarrett immediately comes out and goes to the announce table saying he didn’t hit Elizabeth again. Schiavone says he saw Jarrett’s schtick in the WWF and knows he would hit a woman. Way to admit you watch the WWF Tony.

Jarrett goes to Liz. The Total Package goes to stop him. Jarrett swings around and the Package ducks and Jarrett hits Steiner. Steiner goes after Jarrett. Package checks on Liz, then pushes her down when he realizes the ref is counting. Okay that was funny. Package wins via countout. So much wrestling on this show.

1st Round Tournament Match: Kidman vs Konnan

It’s Fubu city as Konnan is sporting a Fubu football jersey. Kidman immediately looks confused as to why his partner would perform wrestling moves on him in a wrestling match. Maybe Kidman was watching the previous matches and saw no wrestling.

We get a quick ref bump and out comes Harlem Heat. They take out both guys. Out come Eddie and Rey but they get beat up too. Kidman rolls over and pins Konnan for the win. Konnan wants a tag title match and Harlem Heat agrees to it.

For those keeping track, we have not had a match over four minutes yet.

We see what happened to Buff Bagwell last week. He did a happy promo then came out mad because he had to “do the job” and said after the match “Hey Russo, did I do a good job for you?”

Out comes Buff and he says he ain’t doing the J-O-B anymore. He won’t lay down for anyone and says if people try him, they will get the stuff. Yeah, like I believe Buff Bagwell is a legit tough guy shoot fighter.

Out come the Harris Twins who say they represent the “idiots who write this crap.” Way to admit it is crap when you supposedly protect the guy that writes it. They take out Buff. The Harris Twins would go on to be known as Creative Control.

Christ, there is still almost an hour left on this show.

Last Man Standing Match: Dean Malenko vs Chris Benoit

You know it is a street fight because they are both in jeans. So this is a legit last man standing match. Because why not have your two best wrestlers fight in an actual match, right?

These two are actually having what amounts to be an actual wrestling match in the ring. I wonder if they will have time to build up to the actual weapons part of the match (LOL). Benoit hits a back suplex off the top that kind of pops the crowd. Benoit hits his continuous German suplexes that pops the crowd. Probably because this is the most actual wrestling they have seen all night.

Malenko low blows Benoit as they go to the outside and we have officially passed the four minute mark as Benoit gets thrown into the stairs. Benoit counters Malenko back in the ring and hits another side suplex. We get a double clothesline. Benoit gets up at 10 as Malenko can’t get to the ropes in time. What a crap ending.

The Filthy Animals come to attack Malenko. Benoit lets them. The rest of the Revolution comes to the stage with Torrie. I wonder what Shane Douglas could have been if he was never constantly injured. Douglas gets the Animals to stop beating up Malenko.

Douglas says if they want to get Torrie back, the Filthy Animals will stay where they are. So they do, as the Revolution leaves. Seriously? The Filthy Animals finally chase after but the Revolution puts Torrie in a car and leave. Eddie and Rey leave in the car to chase as they tell Kidman and Konnan to stay and get the tag titles back.

REALLY? TORRIE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND KIDMAN! I’D WANT HER MORE THAN RUSSO’S TAG TITLES!

1st Round Match: Sting vs Brian Knobs

Sting wins in 13 seconds without taking his jacket off. Imagine how much WCW paid both men for this amount of work.

Bret Hart says he has a hairline fracture in his foot but is still fighting. They keep using the same damn locker room backdrop for these interviews.

WCW Tag Team Championship: Harlem Heat (c) vs Kidman and Konnan

Konnan still needs to cut another promo tonight because we haven’t heard him talk enough tonight. We get some actual wrestling as Kidman sits on the apron having no worries about his smoking hot girlfriend.

Booker goes got a Harlem sidekick but gets crotched. Kidman gets the hot tag despite them being heels. Booker redeems himself and hits Kidman. A bridge pin leads to both men having their shoulders on the ground but Kidman gets his up for the win.

No replay, we go right to Goldberg getting interviewed.

1st Round Match: DDP w/Kimberly vs David Flair

Mmmm 99/2000 Kimberly. WCW had a pretty good trifecta of hot women around this time. DDP rips off the robe of David but David takes out a crowbar and hits DDP, as DDP falls into the ref who falls into Kimberly. Then he leaves. So does DDP win? Is that how this goes? Does anyone even care?

The Outsiders are wrestling two women. One slaps Hall in the ass as he reaches for a hot tag to Nash and Nash gets it. This one woman has big fake fake boobs under her shirt. She gets Nash and Hall to lay down and pin both women.

Why did I pick this show?

Goldberg comes out and spears both men. About three minutes too late.

1st Round Match: Bret Hart vs Goldberg

This match is also for the US title. Goldberg is dominant early on as Bret can barely stand on his leg. Imagine giving this match away with no build. I thought Eric Bischoff was out of power? (oh no, this was a Russo thing as well – he did just put Benoit and Malenko in a five-minute LMS match the day after they split up, after all – Ed)

Goldberg continues to over power Bret at every turn and continues to work over Bret’s bad leg. Goldberg applies a couple of leg locks to try to get Bret to submit. This isn’t bad match psychology to be honest.

Goldberg goes to throw Bret into the corner but Bret falls. Bret gets to the corner and Goldberg stupidly charges and Bret gets his good leg up and the crowd pops.

Bret applies a sleeper. Goldberg shrugs him off and knocks down the ref. The Outsiders charge the ring with Sid. All three of them take out Goldberg and hit a barrage of moves on him, ending with a Sid powerbomb. Bret doesn’t know what happened and crawls back into the ring. Bret pins Goldberg as Goldberg kicks out at 3.2.

I know I am supposed to keep my swearing to a minimum, but this was an absolute clusterfuck of a show.

There were about 32 minutes of actual wrestling on this show. None of it was good. Nothing about this show was. Everyone rips on 2000 Vince Russo WCW. But 1999 was BY FAR worse than that. Hell, I am on record for liking Vince Russo’s WCW reboot until David Arquette wins the WCW title.

But nothing about this show is good at all. This was Vince Russo trying to prove that wrestling wasn’t needed to draw on a wrestling show and it failed miserably. I have to go watch some New Japan or something to scrub this out of my brain. I picked the show because it was only Goldberg’s second ever loss and I regret it.

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